Disconnected

Having a tough day.

It's the inevitable byproduct of working a night shift when you're a caring, sensitive guy who actually enjoys being home with his family. I miss them. I work all night just to come home, kiss the Weirdo goodbye, and drive the Monkey to Grandma's. Sleep all day, pick up the Monkey, spend an hour with the Weirdo, and then it's right back to work tonight.

In short, I feel disconnected.

A growing part of me really hates working nights because of this. On her lunch break earlier the Weirdo told me last night there was this perfect Kodak moment with her, the dog, and the Monkey. The first thought I had was that I should have been there to see it.

What makes it tougher is that I'm seemingly alone in my disconnected state of mind. For a time the Monkey would cry and pout when I suited up to go to work; reaching out for me and scrunching his face and all but shouting "Please don't go!" Now, he seems to recognize what the uniform means. I get a hug and a kiss - which I am still beyond thankful for - and then he's back to his toys.

The Weirdo gets by just fine, partially because 50% of the time she's lost in her own head anyway. Just one line from a song or a tv show ignites this creative fury in her, and a day later she's got a plot outline for her newest story. Aside from that, the Weirdo is much more balanced than I am. She's got - and this is the short list- me, her best friend, and her mom as her triangle of emotional stability. I thankfully have my mother and friends as well, but the Weirdo is my # 1 by a mile.

To put it another way, if you were tasked with fully and completely describing the Weirdo (her personality, thoughts, feelings) to a complete stranger you would have to talk to a minimum of the three people I listed above. If tasked with doing the same for me you need only talk to the Weirdo.

I of course recognize that this isn't really healthy. The Weirdo learned from past experience not to become fully vested in a single person, no matter how great the love or commitment. I never got that lesson because I never had the opportunity to learn until I met her.

All of this is my long winded way of saying that working a night shift, being constantly drawn away from my family, really brings me down in a big way. When I don't have that closeness, that contact, I end up feeling disconnected.

I think I need a combination of going back to day shift, spending a little more time with and opening up a little more to my friends, and someone to tell me that it's all gonna be OK.